A year ago this month we starting trying to get pregnant. All the doubt and anxiety of trying to get pregnant came rushing back. I was really hoping it wouldn't take us a year, because we wanted our kids close in age, so we decided to go ahead and start trying. My health was much better, my thyroid levels were better, and my body had already been through pregnancy so we were hopeful it would be easier this time around. After 3 months of trying, I was getting worried, but I knew that it was normal to take 3-6 months to get pregnant.
I visited family in Arizona in July, and at that time, I was fairly certain I was pregnant, but not 100% sure. Which would mean it only took us 4 months to get pregnant. I decided to wait until I got back to South Carolina to take a test. I was 4 days late and took a test, it was positive. We were pregnant!
Now here we are... a year later, no baby, and not pregnant. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I'm sad that we are not a family of 4 yet. I'm happy to not be 9 months pregnant with a toddler that runs everywhere and is still in diapers. I'm confused as to why we still aren't pregnant, and why we lost the last baby. I'm stressed that we are running out of time to get pregnant before Cameron leaves on deployment. And I don't understand why it has to be so hard to get pregnant.
All these questions and concerns run through my mind with not a clear answer. All I can do is trust. Trust in the Lord's timing. Trust that He knows what is best for our family, and trust that through this trial and heartache, blessings will come.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster though. One day I'm fine, I'm happy, I accept what is happening. Other times I'm angry, sad and bitter that that sweet baby was taken from us.
This month also marks my due date for my last pregnancy. I was dreading this month. I was hoping to already be pregnant again so that this month would turn into a happy one, but we're not. And it's a relief to finally be putting this month behind me. To move forward with a better attitude, and trust once again.
