It's Been a Year

A year ago this month we starting trying to get pregnant. All the doubt and anxiety of trying to get pregnant came rushing back. I was really hoping it wouldn't take us a year, because we wanted our kids close in age, so we decided to go ahead and start trying. My health was much better, my thyroid levels were better, and my body had already been through pregnancy so we were hopeful it would be easier this time around. After 3 months of trying, I was getting worried, but I knew that it was normal to take 3-6 months to get pregnant.
I visited family in Arizona in July, and at that time, I was fairly certain I was pregnant, but not 100% sure. Which would mean it only took us 4 months to get pregnant. I decided to wait until I got back to South Carolina to take a test. I was 4 days late and took a test, it was positive. We were pregnant!

Now here we are... a year later, no baby, and not pregnant. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I'm sad that we are not a family of 4 yet. I'm happy to not be 9 months pregnant with a toddler that runs everywhere and is still in diapers. I'm confused as to why we still aren't pregnant, and why we lost the last baby. I'm stressed that we are running out of time to get pregnant before Cameron leaves on deployment. And I don't understand why it has to be so hard to get pregnant.

All these questions and concerns run through my mind with not a clear answer. All I can do is trust. Trust in the Lord's timing. Trust that He knows what is best for our family, and trust that through this trial and heartache, blessings will come.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster though. One day I'm fine, I'm happy, I accept what is happening. Other times I'm angry, sad and bitter that that sweet baby was taken from us.

This month also marks my due date for my last pregnancy. I was dreading this month. I was hoping to already be pregnant again so that this month would turn into a happy one, but we're not. And it's a relief to finally be putting this month behind me. To move forward with a better attitude, and trust once again.

Miscarriage Update

At our 2 week check-up, my Dr notcied there was still some embryonic stuff still in my uterus. He suggested a D&C, and I instantly panicked. The thought of having to do a D&C terrifies me. So he told me he was going to give me one more week to try and pass everything on my own. He also did a blood test that day, and said that my HCG levels were still high for someone who just miscarried.

I was already coping with the loss, but it just felt like it was dragging on. I wanted to move past this and start trying to get pregnant again. And as if that wasn't all enough, my Dr also found a cyst. He wasn't really concerned with it, but it was my first (as far as I knew), so it worried me. 

We went in the following week and we have finally passed all the embryonic stuff, which was a huge relief, but the cyst had nearly doubled in size. My Dr went ahead and gave us the ok to start tryiing to get pregnant again, but he was now concerned with the cyst. He wanted to give my body a chance to get rid of it on its own, so he wanted to see me back in 2 weeks. If the cyst measures 10 cm or more, then they will perform surgery to remove it. 

I am terrified, but I actually have peace in my heart, because I know that Heavenly Father is watching over us. This has been a rough month for our family, but it is making us stronger. And I'm so grateful that Cameron is a worthy priesthood holder. I asked him to give me a blessing after our last appointment. 

As I said in my last blog post, Waylon has made this process much easier on us. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad every time I see my friend's pregnancy progress on Facebook and Instagram. But I know that we'll get pregnant again, and be able to bring another sweet baby into our family.

Nov. 1st: We had our check-up and the cyst hadn't really grown, so they are just going to leave it, and let us try and get pregnant. It will either go away on it's own in 6-8 weeks, go away once we get pregnant, it could rupture, or if it's still there when we go to deliver the next baby, it will go away with delivery. So hopefully it will go away, and we are free to move forward  and try to get pregnant! Yay!